The power of a sincere apology

Path to ‘I’m sorry’ starts with a feeling

Most of us know the difference between a sincere apology and one that falls flat.

You’ve probably heard, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and left the conversation feeling more frustrated than before. Or perhaps someone quicky said, “Sorry,” out of habit without really acknowledging what happened.

A genuine apology can repair trust and strengthen a relationship. An insincere one can do the opposite.

I was reminded of this recently when I found myself needing to apologize. Long after an interaction had ended, it kept replaying in my mind. I remembered what I had said, what I had done and what I had failed to do. The discomfort kept returning.

Eventually I recognized the feeling for what it was: regret.

As unpleasant as regret can be, it can also be useful. It can point us toward our values and remind us when our actions have not lined up with who we want to be.

That realization led me to think more carefully about what makes an apology sincere.

First, notice the feeling

Pay attention if an interaction keeps resurfacing in your thoughts. That lingering sense of discomfort might be telling you something. Regret often signals that we wish we had handled a situation differently.

Then own your part

This can be difficult. Our minds are good at producing explanations and excuses. We might think, “Yes, but …” I found it helpful to remove the “but.”

Owning our actions means honestly acknowledging what we did and did not do. It also means accepting that making a mistake does not define who we are. In many ways, our character is shown by how we respond when we realize we have fallen short of our own standards.

Keep the message simple

A sincere apology does not require a lengthy explanation. In fact, too much can sound defensive.

Ask yourself:

What did I do?
What did I fail to do?
What do I need to acknowledge?

Then say it plainly.

Consider how you want to apologize

Sometimes an email is appropriate. Sometimes a phone call will do. In other situations, looking someone in the eye and apologizing in person feels more respectful and genuine.

If the conversation is difficult, consider giving the person advance notice. A simple message saying you’d like to apologize can prevent them from being caught off guard.

Then have the conversation

When it was my turn, I said something like this:

“I wanted to meet with you because I owe you an apology. In our previous interaction, I didn’t listen well, and that contributed to other problems. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to rebuild trust?”

The response I received was gracious. Not every apology will end that way.

We cannot control how another person receives our apology. They might need time. They might still be hurt. They might choose not to forgive us.

And then we follow through

A sincere apology should lead to reflection and learning. None of us will handle every interaction perfectly. We will make mistakes again. But when we pay attention to our regrets, acknowledge our missteps and have the courage to be vulnerable, we give ourselves a chance to grow.

Years ago, a brilliant consultant told me that people often change their behavior after a significant emotional experience.

I have found that to be true.

Apologizing sincerely can be uncomfortable. It can also be one of the most meaningful ways we demonstrate accountability, restore trust and become better colleagues and human beings.

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